The slow lane

I was having stern words with myself in the slow lane this morning...

(It was a good workout by the way, simple but very good; Thursdays are my favorite. 1000 warmup: 500 swim, 500 alternating 100s of back and breast. Then three sets of 10 x 50. First set: 10 x 50 swim, I am afraid that I could not make the interval though and had to slow it down--I did the first four on :55 but I was pretty much dying, had to switch it back to 1:00. Hmmm, I must do everything I can to get to be a faster swimmer... Then 10 x 50 kick with ten seconds rest--the coach pointed out halfway through, which had not occurred to me because I am a novice, that I did not need to do only free kick, I could do the others also, so I had a couple of fairly wonky dolphin and then a couple of breast which felt very smooth and enjoyable. Then 10 x 50 pull, back down and free back; this too was very enjoyable, I do not think I have done backstroke with a pull buoy before, it is interestingly helpful on the catch and body rotation! I should have guessed....)

I had the slow lane entirely to myself, and this is a mixed blessing--on the one hand it's certainly far better than when it gets clogged up with all sorts of people not really doing the workout. On the other hand, though, it's nice swimming with a couple of people and having a lane dynamic, and it's rather dispiriting knowing that in a quite literal sense you are the slowest swimmer in the whole pool! I was contemplating this off-putting fact during the pull set (also, and equally off-puttingly, the men's swim team are all stretching by this point on the deck next to the pool, and while I am sure that really they don't notice what's going on it is hard not to feel that one's poor swimming form might be attracting mild contempt!), and just talking myself through it.

It's a tricky balance, isn't it? Fortunately I am not a perfectionist, insofar as perfectionism is a disabling dynamic that stops many people from doing things at all because of anxiety about not doing them well. But I do believe in holding oneself to the highest possible standard, and I think I should be a much, much better swimmer than I am! There is no letting myself off the hook on this, I will just have to work till my skills come into closer alignment with what I know I will be capable of doing. I have a vision....

But I must also be wary of comparing myself to these people I end up swimming with, both on Monday nights and in these morning workouts. It's different from running--lots of people take up running in their 30s and then gradually get better at it. The swimmers are harder-core, and the triathletes who've been racing for 10 years already are mostly just pretty serious about these sporty things. I must just take it slowly and not find myself wanting--because I am never going to be a fast swimmer or runner in these terms, it is fine, I will happily live with it, I would just like to be faster and better than I am now--better more than faster!...

(It would be like someone coming to Columbia to do an MA in English who had never read a book for ten years, and expecting him/herself to be immediately an equal with the five-years-in PhD students and being surprised at his/her lack of facility with thinking and talking about literary matters. This analogy also makes me know that really in a sense there is no catching up, you make your choices early on the basis of affinities and talents--this is all OK, though, I will strive to be a good enough swimmer!)